Mold


(Originally written in 2018, finally published, in 2022.)
I don’t have the words to sum up the last 9 months of my life.
Actually that’s not true. I have too many words. And some of them just cannot be shared on this blog.
2018 ended with heartache, and 2019 started with heartache.

And it hasn’t actually gone away.

That’s the thing about real, deep heartache. Time doesn’t ever fully heal the pain, does it? It can be dulled, it can be momentarily forgotten, it can be lost amongst the more pervasive moments we must deal with day to day. But the heartache doesn’t leave completely.

And I’m struggling because I know that so much healing lies on the other side of sharing these heartaches—on the other side of eyes red and raw, on the other side of sobs and gasping for breath type crying, there is opportunity for healing, for empathy, for a willing soul to share in the grief.

But I’m struggling because these heartaches run too deep. They cross over into many lives. They have already left a wake of pain when they initially tore through—and to open up to others about all of the hurt will only invite the heartache to take center stage for an encore of pain.

And so even though I know there may be some healing on the other side of sharing, I can’t do it right now, because not enough scar tissue has grown over the already open wounds on my heart. I don’t have the energy or soul space to invite others in.

So I’m sharing just ambiguities and I know that is frustrating to those who love me and want to lift me up.
But just know this:
There are people in your life who are truly, undeniably, without complaint in this season of life.
But there are others who are only smiling because it’s easier than letting people know the deep and dark flood of evil that surrounds their heart and threatens to overtake them.
For them, it’s easier to stay positive, bc the alternative is vulnerable, ugly, and hard to comprehend.

Mold grows in the quiet, undisturbed spaces. But mold can also grow in direct sunlight. It doesn’t need to be a dark place. It can flourish in even a bright area when other conditions are met.
Don’t forget that when you see those around you smiling their way through life. Mold could be growing there too, and even though they maintain their sunny disposition, they could be hiding a fungus in their heart that may possibly  never be fully dealt  with or eradicated, because they’re scared it will bring a fresh wave of pain that they would rather not face.

And it’s not that those people are trying to be fake or insincere. They are πŸ’― putting their best efforts into staying positive and sunny. So don’t fault them for trying to keep the smiles. They probably already know that mold can grow in both the light and the dark—but it can grow and spread faster in the dark. So we smile and we laugh and we try to temporarily forget. We pray and we stay engaged, we connect with people and we remain as upbeat as possible.

Because the alternative is to let the mold grow, spread, and run rampant on our hearts—but we’re not ready to succumb to the darkness.

We will not surrender completely to the pain, ever.

But it’s still here.

And if you can’t comprehend what I’m talking about, you may be one of the lucky few who have been left untouched by betrayal, loss, deception, abandonment, and/or abuse. It may not last your entire life but I’m happy you’re unaffected. This post will be hard for you to understand.

For those of you who understand all of this and wish you didn’t, I’m sorry. Being broken-hearted and feeling as though you have no escape from the pain—there is nothing worse.

Sadder still is knowing even in my best future, when the mold has been completely removed...it can always spawn and grow again despite best efforts.

That's all for now. 

D

Comments

  1. Love you and praying for healing! Thank you for sharing! ❤️πŸ™πŸ»

    ReplyDelete
  2. You should really publish this, it is absolutely amazing writing! Even though I know the circumstances, I don’t think you have to in order to relate this to some part of your life. I love you

    ReplyDelete
  3. Love you Cuz. Always πŸ™πŸ™πŸ™ for the family.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Beautifully written as always. Love you and your family so much. So happy that things are on the up and up. I have no doubt that this new baby is already loved by so many! PS. Keep up the writing! You're amazing at it.

    ReplyDelete

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