Epilogue

 Dec 17, 2024
I don't really know how to start this blog again after having abandoned it for so long. 
I'm just going to return to my roots, and use this for my stream of consciousness to pour out without edits. 

I hadn't been tracking my period, but this is nothing new. Sometimes I track, sometimes I don't. Honestly life is just very fast and my period is here and gone so quickly I don't really pay much attention to it. I don't get headaches, or cramps, I usually have a very sympton-free period and that's that. So I dont usually track or stress much over it (I can hear my female friends gasping at this as I type it)... But in case you forgot, I've never been too into living a structured life.  Hakuna Matata. 

But at some point, I felt like I must be late, it felt like I hadn't had a period in over a month, maybe well over a month...I started questioning when my last period might have been...I still have no clue. I guessed well over 28 days ago, so I started considering the possibility of being pregnant...

Of course, it's possible...

I kept mulling over the thought for 3-4 days, wondering if my period would pop in, but those days went by and I started instead listening to podcasts of women pregnant in their 40s...

I started thinking about Jameson being a big brother, and that sounded really nice. Then I started thinking about having a newborn, and that didn't phase me either. And still the days crept by.  With every passing day I felt more and more convinced that I was in fact pregnant, I had no symptoms but my soul was saying yes, and I was oddly at peace with it. I saw a HUGE bright rainbow in the sky during one of these days, and felt it was God just reminding me of how beautiful his surprises are. The next day, another huge rainbow, accompanied by a lighter rainbow under it. Double rainbow...I felt like God was saying, "Just in case you didn't get the memo yesterday..."

Call me silly but I felt in that moment, driving my car past those double rainbows...I definitely was pregnant.  I moved beyond the question of "am I?" to "is it twins or just one?"

I stopped by Walmart later that afternoon for the odds and ends we needed for dinner and grabbed a $6 box of 2 pregnancy sticks.  I am still shocked that you can find out youre pregnant or not by peeing on a $3 stick. Our bodies are crazy and science is too. 

I got home, unloaded the groceries, snuck into the bathroom, and peed on a stick. Not even 3 seconds went by before the window of white filled with a dark blue line. I checked the instructions to make sure I was reading it right, and I rechecked, and rechecked. I don't know if I was numb, or just already so sure of the results prior to the test that it wasn't new information, but I felt like I had just been given the news that today was Tuesday. It didn't feel shocking. I put the cap on the pee stick, put it in a drawer, and went about the evening. 

I told Ryan that same night, as soon as I could get him alone, which was like 10pm that evening. Jameson had finally gone to bed, and the other kids finally went into their rooms. 

He was watching football in the living room, I came in, closed the living room doors being me, and sat on the floor next to him. I just said, "there's no like, gentle or normal way to say this so I'm just going to say it, and process it out loud...I took a pregnancy test today."

He looked at me and said, "and?"

I thought that was a weird thing to say. Why would I tell him I took a pregnancy test if it wasn't positive?

I said,  "I wouldn't be telling you I took a pregnancy test if there was nothing to say about it."

Now that I look back I realize that was kind of snarky. I had the last 3-4 days to process this info and he had 2 seconds to consider the implications of what I was saying. 

I told him I was going to blab on for a minute, just process out loud, and he could process right along with me...I rambled on a bit about how I kinda guessed I was pregnant for a few days, I feel surprisingly not surprised much at all...I just kept on about although I can't believe it, I also can believe it, how crazy this is, to consider we will have another baby here in some months...and how predictably unpredictable we are... and how even though I'm older, having a baby at 42 is going to be different, but I have determined to have a youthful spirit heart and body during this pregnancy... to try to combat the negative energy from haters...to try to get to the gym more consistently and just get stronger throughout...

Ryan at this point was smiling, kinda laughed here or there while I talked, covered his mouth I guess to keep from showing too much emotion...

I kept talking, I dont even know what I said.

He smiled and scooted closer to me and gave me a kiss and said something like "It'll be great."
Then we watched more football in silence broken by more fragmented processing out loud. 

So now it's been a little more than 2 weeks. Is it possible to be shocked and completely embrace the idea of having another baby, simultaneously? Maybe not simultaneously...but I feel both of those things. 
Physically, I feel a bit nauseous from time to time, not sick enough to be sick but similar to the beginning of getting car sick. I still have no idea how far along I am, I suppose they'll need to determine due date by ultrasound. 

I guess this time around, isn't as shocking to me because I just did this 2 years ago. I have a toddler in diapers, I have a crib and stroller, baby toys and a recent memory of how this works.  Last time, I was 9 YEARS outside of a pregnancy. That was a huge shock. But this one just feels normal somehow. 

I have all the thoughts...boy or girl? single baby or twin? autism or no? great nurser or trouble ahead? textbook delivery or complications? I have done the math, I know we'll be advanced parents by the time #7 graduates high school...but honestly, Ryan and I are both excited. We know the miracle that is conceiving, carrying, delivering, and raising babies. We know the honor and gift we've been given again. Ryan is the absolute best dad in the world, his ability to lead serve and love all these kids, and me, is really on the supernatural side. 

So...this will be another fun plot twist we are embracing. . The older kids have already proven they are capable of helping a young sibling in deep meaningful ways, and loving a new baby. As Jameson grows his adorable levels continue to soar, and we all catch ourselves melting with each new word he utters and each new toddler antic he presents. 

And at the time of writing this, we haven't told the kids...so for the last 2 weeks we've been keeping this secret, each of us processing it our own way, each of us getting excited and going through waves of shock, and waves of joy, as the kids are on Christmas break and we get this extra time with each of them, just in awe and wonder at each of their unique gifts, personalities, and brains.  It is the greatest joy honor and job of my life, to be their mom, and to know that there is one more we haven't yet met, brings a special sort of excitement for ringing in 2025. Afterall, 7 is the number that spiritually signifies creation, perfection, completion, and rest. ;)

It's going to be another epic year for the McLean family! Ryan and I are a mix of surprised, honored, nervous, and excited. 

UPDATE: January 11, 2025
I went to the OB to get a due date, we are going to expect #7 on or around Aug 1. Baby was 10weeks4days at that appointment. We confirmed there is only one baby. Now I know I'm losing my mind because I remember feeling a tiny bit disappointed to see only one baby on the ultrasound.  So that in truth gives an indication of how much I actually love pregnancy and having babies. It's hard, it's a sacrifice, because I give up other things to have another baby... but I do love it.  No one twisted my arm or brainwashed me to start thinking that I should love having babies and love being a mom. It's just in me, it's how I'm wired and who I am. I know everyone is different and having a really large family isn't for everyone. But it's for me.
Every new baby is really such an exponential growth of the joy we felt when we held our first, I'm sure partly because now there are so many more people in our family to share the joy of welcoming someone else into our lives. 
I think keeping this secret to ourselves so far has allowed Ryan and I to have a deeper connection these last couple weeks. We exchange knowing glances and smiles when Jameson does something too adorable to handle. By not going public yet, we're providing this privacy wall that just feels so intimate and special, just him and I and God, knowing this huge amazing thing is happening and also going to happen again for us. 
I've been feeling ill like I need to eat or I'll vomit. Then I eat excitedly, too quickly, and soon feel nauseous on the other side of eating. SO MUCH GAS, and bloating too. So definitely not feeling like any sort of female strength or warrior, feeling more like a lumpy sick potato than anything else. Even still, I am excited. I didn't ask for this, I didn't pray for this, I didn't plan for this. But Ryan and I both feel very strongly that every baby is such a huge gift and honor, we feel so well-taken care of by God through our lives and even though we didn't plan to have another baby, we're both of the mindset that God gives life, it doesn't happen if it's not in His will. And we've been surrounded by loving friends and family, always. It's something I don't take for granted and makes carrying a baby and delivering a baby, and raising a baby, so much more joyful and easy to celebrate. 

UPDATE: January 14, 2025
I am 11 weeks and 4 days today. Baby is as large as a strawberry, or 1.5 inches. I ordered a pile of maternity clothes, I'm feeling so pudgy trying to squeeze into my regular clothes while we keep this under wraps, but I'm about ready to tell the world because I am trying to hide it and it's just limiting my joy actually.
Ryan suggested we maybe tell Luke and Juliette first and separately this time, so they as our oldest have time to process without being put on the spot in front of their siblings. 
Then tell Levi Jackson Lincoln and Jameson together. We think in general they will be excited about this news because Jameson is really so delightful at 2 years old, and they can now better envision how another sibling can enrich their lives even more. I think Jackson and Lincoln will be annoyed with the news, on the surface at least. Jameson is becoming a handful for them, as he encroaches on their personal space often to see what reaction he'll get from them, and it's never a pleasant one. So while Jameson mostly enjoys the whining and sometimes frantic reactions from his older twin brothers, the twins actually are starting to get upset when Jameson even enters the room, even if he doesn't provoke them. We're working on it. But needless to say, they will likely not share in our joy when they hear this news. 

UPDATE: January 17, 2025
We told Juliette first, she was shocked and on the surface only showed shock mixed with excitement that grew as we spoke quietly together late at night in her room before bed. We told Luke the next day, it was a 3 minute conversation because we were rushed out the door but he was the same as Juliette--shocked, smiling, congratulatory, and his convo continued with us casually throughout the next couple days. We then told Levi Jackson Lincoln and Jameson while we were sitting together for dinner. Levi was giddy with excitement. The twins--not so much. We figured it would be less than exciting news for them, and we had ice cream after dinner to help bring the conversation back to a happy place.  But each baby brings a new opportunity for our kids to learn new empathies, new kindnesses, and a new depth and definition of family. :)